For reasons that escape my understanding, I am once again compelled to return to this idea. It's a simple idea. I am different. It's a cliche thing to say. Probobable the worst of all cliche's. And yet it's true. When in a crowd, I feel as if I'm the only one who doesn't belong. However, when I relax and trust my instincts within that same crowd, I find that most of it's occupants are warm and most are not malicious. When in small numbers of say one or two companions, aquaintences...etc, I am at ease and converse fluently without much effort. And yet I still have within my mind the idea that my own words will haunt me. After all, knowledge is power. And even the seemingly kind od of spirit will turn that information into a dagger at the precise moment it may benefit them in some way.
I am different in other ways as well. When I stand in the sun, I notice most the shadows that it creates. The subtle tones and hues, warms and colds of it. I see the contrast and the irony that lies in it's wake. It makes the air smell differentlty than that of the moonlit air. And it reminds me that I there will always be a duty that needs tending. Moonlight by contrast, lends a sense of freedom to my spirit. The things that lie hidden by it's selective lightings put my anxieties, and my fears, and my sense of duty toi rest. It's an animal sensation. Almost like being young. When alone in the dark, outdoors in the quiet, secluded from the bustle of fellow man....I am most myself. I am most free, and most comfprtable.
These things cannot be normal. Is it for example, common that when peering into the eyes of another perswon, I feel them? I feel their mood, and I sense danger or shelter. My own instincts are overshadowed by the sensation of someone else's demeener. That's a story for another day. But, an extreme desire to please does make this one of my biggest challenges for which to contend.
I never, ever, ever want to stop learning. My mind is never at rest in this category. There are sleepless nights spent researching a new archealogical theory out of Egypt. Or playing with a new medium, up to my elbows in a muddy mess of clay, paint, or glitter trying to determine if I can make this thing my own. It'sd late for me now as I must rise early in the morning. An adventurous day for me. One which, in sadness, presents a rare opportunity that has escaped my grasp for near a decade. So goodnight for now. I will pot some inkings from one of my sketchbooks tomorrow, or maybe the next day. This is, after all, an art blog.
As for any kindred spirits who may find familiarity in these scrawlings....Please share. Maybe we are all islands unto ourselves. Then again, maybe I'm just nutty and need medication. Either way, I'll not turn away any donors of the chemical nature. Actually, maybe I would.
Sweet dreams! Tomorrow is a new day!
