Creative imaginings - Reflections

At the edge of a cornfield, yet not far from the outcrop of suburbian concrete, a young girl stood in silent reflection. The mirror stood as the singular entity to recognize her soul. Young and starry-eyed, she gazed and admitted innocence and fear only to herself in the darkest of hours. She believed that all people were good at the core and that she could judge for herself who to trust and of whom to be weary. There was no grey, only black & white, right and wrong. "What are my limits? What can I do? Who will hear me? How long must I wait?" The innermost emotions lie just beneath the surface of the haze on the glass. Alone in the moment, she wiped the glass clean. A whispering breeze licked the stalks of corn, swept the laundry on the line and caught a whisp of her golden hair as it stole into her bedroom window. The aroma of late summer teased her senses. Closing her eyes, she could feel the energy rising as she opened starred once again back into her own eyes.

Awakening, her waiting had come to an end. Those who had once swatted as if in response to a nuisance insect, began to notice her standing in the darkened shadows of the back of the room. It had happened that her essence had extended to the exterior. The pout in her gaze and joy in her eyes had transformed and now reflected in the mirror as ever dangerous curiosity. The form of a woman, the experience of media beyond her years. Attention was easy, the energy overwhelming and the thrill infectious. A smirking grin at a precise moment. An intellectual dicussion laced with tempt. A stroll through the commons in the perfect pair of jeans. The world was her toy, and control was her dagger. Normalcy had become something for the weak. She learned to disconnect and function on a purely animalistic level. Emotions became a weakness, an invitation for pain. Seemingly in an instant, the girl was outwardly grown. Her trusted companion was left in the wind swept cornfields of her innocence.

Control of herself, control of others. She thought to herself, "Can I manintain control of others on a subliminal level? Is my one greatness my knowledge of how to get what I want? How far can I take this?" The grey area had entered her realm. "There is something intangibly different about me. I am not like everyone else in the world. Are there others that see human reaction and programmed responses? Is there a real companion for my soul?" Resigning to enjoy chemical release, the tests would continue in search of a spark of recognition. Now seeking the same distant reflection in the eyes of another. Silent realization crept in. The only restraint between her and truth was her own fear. Without fear, true lessons can be felt. Testing and reacting. Relating and conversing. Showing no fear and pushing the limits of accepability. Ask the same question twice. But the second time stand closer and gaze into their eyes. The answer invariably different. Predatory. Becoming the object of question, answered the question. Clarity is not the understanding of how the game is played, rather, why it is instinct to play. Standing at the edge of sanity, knowing evil and now experienced enough to house fear. Almost a woman, still a child.

Gazing this time into the stained mirror in the ladies room of a nameless bar in a nameless town. A breeze whirred to life from a rusted exhaust fan and caught her now brittle hair. The aroma of disenfectant and insect repellant rose through the tile, slithered around the darkened porcelain and assaulted her wondering eyes. The blood shot eyes of a woman on a mission searched for the peace that had once lived in the glass. Regret and self-loathing had long since entangled her silken reflection.

A little wiser, a little more weary, and outwardly mature beyond her years. "Now which way to go? Pursue an intellectual understanding, or a spiritual explanation?" Walking through fire and living to tell the tale of a young girl impatient and fearless looking for a truth that no one has.

Now just 17, she had become a woman.

Reflections

In the last year I have made a great many changes. And many more are yet to come. I joined the Gallery in March of 08. I had alread displayed at a few small functions around the parish, but this was huge for me. This was a chance to take things to the next level. As any artist, my attention san can be short-lived. I get really obsessed for a short time, and then I'm on to the next thing. I want to try everything, master it, and get on to the next thing. But I digress. Everything began to change. The company I worked for after being in business for over 100 years, was quickly becoming one of the first economic fatalities. I had to find a new job because I didn't have the resources to take over the company and run it as my own. It was offered, but I couldn't manage to secure funding without a good business model. And that's hard to do when given the economic outlook at the time. I started making plans to move home. I am desperately home-sick. That may be the first thing I should have said. It is very hard to leave all friends and family and move 900 miles away to a place ridden with manipulative, insane, mooching, in-ya-business in-laws. After 6 years of it, I had come to a breaking point. And then there was this ad in the paper. Sounded great. But I never get the job I want. I always come so close I can taste it. But never get it. However, I had nothing to lose. After 3 call back interviews it was apparent I was in the running. When I got the final call back for a 4th interview, I knew for sure. So here I still sit. A good job, friends, support of a community....but still I want home. See, the bitterness set in. I find small things to be a huge problem. So I have decided that I am the problem. Maybe I amnot the person I thought I was, Maybe I don't really want what I thought. Have I worked so hard to attain something that makes me un-happy? Or are my feelings well-founded? I am waaaay to rational a person to ask myself these questions. I know exactly how to remove myself from the equation and make the "Right" decision. But I don't know how to add myself into it. i feel so selfish considering my own needs or desires when making a decision that affects other people. I am so tired of living for other people. When is it my turn to make decisions based on what I want and need? When is it my turn for someone else to change for me? Why is it always me who has to switch positions or give something up?

Now i am just whining. I hate to hear myself do that. Enough of the therapy session. Back to reflecting.

I am posting a few photos of the friends I have made in the last year. I am still amazed to find people who truly want to hang out with me for no reason than to be my friend. I don't trust anyone, but I'm learning that it can be more beneficial to allow people in and feel their warmth than to shut them out and never know if they are sincere. I can take a risk that they will hurt me in some way. I think I will learn about myself better this way. 30 years old and I have no idea what I want or where I am going. But i have a great job at this time and so I will follow this path and see what happens. Leave it to fate. I just hope I am strong enough to survive what may come of it.

I Have Issues

It's Friday. I have alot of deadlines that I am up against. I really don't sit and blog at work. Really, I write them at night and then I read them back to myself. If they look like something that is good for publishing, then I hit the button. I have many drafts in my folder that may never see the light of day. I can't stop day-dreaming this week. I am consumed by this need to create something. A turtle in the ocean is what I have been painting this week. And it is very simple. Primary colors only. Amazing how brilliant a painting can be when the colors are kept unmuddied by mixing. Oils are luminescent anyways, but to use the raw color straight from the tube, it's amazingly bright. Portraits are great and that is what I have been doing alot of because I have a new commission that I need to start. But I need a break from the detail and constraints of creating something that I have little artistic control of. Maybe I am not meant for commission. I have a serious problem with authority. Any level of being told wahat or how to do something ....let's just say it ain't pretty. So I am giving myself a break. I am learning to do that more and more lately. No one else is going to give me a break. So I will give it to myself. Anyhoo, My turtle in the ocean is swimming and happy and bright and I may give him a crown just because I can. He may even aquire some friends before finished. Haven't quite decided on that. But if he does get some friends, it will be because I decided to paint it that way! So, that's my issue, one of them anyway. I promise to post a pic of my friendly turtle when finished. Thanks for reading!

My favorite part of the day

I have a favorite part of the day. It is a time when everyone else is asleep. It's just me, the remote, the computer, my paint brushes and the cat. I can't help but feel a bit selfish waiting for everyone else to fall asleep and evacuate the living room leaving me to my own devices. It is overwhelming at times with the news crackling thru the TV set and kids chasing the cat and hollaring at Mario and Luigi on the game television in the next room. I can't concentrate with all of the interferance. The noice becomes a constant buzz that is so unsettling that I swear it even blurs my vision at times. I need quiet and solitude in order to connect to that place inside of myself that is creative and intuitive and calm. Sometimes I wonder if I am living the life that I was meant to lead. But then I remember that without challenges and obstacles I get so bored that I tend to get myself into trouble. I need the constant chatter and activity in order to keep my hands and heart from the terrible tempations of boredom and thrill-seeking. The best thrill ride in the universe is the feeling of conquering an obstacle or meeting a challenge head on and coming out the other side "King of the Hill." I work long hours and have loads of mommy guilt for not being there for every milestone. But then again, I turned out just fine and I had a working mother. So, at the very least, maybe they will learn to toughen a bit and not be insecure. I want my boys to be proud of themselves and not be reliant on the encouragement of others. But somehow I have gotten off-track here. (It happens....alot!) I get so anxious for that solitude at the end of the day that I find myself day-dreaming in the middle of the day and having a hard time concentrating. I find myself planning my evening. What will I do tonight with my time? If I do nothing but watch the tube, then I have this terrible guilt the next day because I accomplished nothing. But I am then well-rested for a really late night the following evening. Maybe at some point I will give myself a break and really enjoy my favorite part of the day!

Louisiana on my mind

I have had so much fun in the past few days taking pictures and uploading at full size to see if I caught the light right or captured the sight before me. I want to share a couple more with the blogosphere. Let me know what you think!

A Couple hours and a Camera in Louisiana

So, out of boredom and because I wanted to be creative today. A little break from being mommy for a couple hours was nice also. But alas. I did get a couple of good shots. I'm not quite done looking at those just yet. I need to walk away and come back in a couple days. I will see them fresh eyes at that point. But I did find some areas of interest today. I went no further than 30 miles away from my house, but 30 miles is a long ways down a spagetti bowl of logging trails. There are literally place around here that are dark as night in the middle of the day because the forest canopy is so thick. I wish I had a camera capable of capturing the beauty in those areas! The pictures sort of speak for themselves. I threw in a couple of shots that are meant to illustrate to all city folk "How to know it's time to getcha ass out the woods!" Enjoy!












Authorities have been contacted to investigate the item wrapped in the blue tarp! CREEPY!!