Reflections

In the last year I have made a great many changes. And many more are yet to come. I joined the Gallery in March of 08. I had alread displayed at a few small functions around the parish, but this was huge for me. This was a chance to take things to the next level. As any artist, my attention san can be short-lived. I get really obsessed for a short time, and then I'm on to the next thing. I want to try everything, master it, and get on to the next thing. But I digress. Everything began to change. The company I worked for after being in business for over 100 years, was quickly becoming one of the first economic fatalities. I had to find a new job because I didn't have the resources to take over the company and run it as my own. It was offered, but I couldn't manage to secure funding without a good business model. And that's hard to do when given the economic outlook at the time. I started making plans to move home. I am desperately home-sick. That may be the first thing I should have said. It is very hard to leave all friends and family and move 900 miles away to a place ridden with manipulative, insane, mooching, in-ya-business in-laws. After 6 years of it, I had come to a breaking point. And then there was this ad in the paper. Sounded great. But I never get the job I want. I always come so close I can taste it. But never get it. However, I had nothing to lose. After 3 call back interviews it was apparent I was in the running. When I got the final call back for a 4th interview, I knew for sure. So here I still sit. A good job, friends, support of a community....but still I want home. See, the bitterness set in. I find small things to be a huge problem. So I have decided that I am the problem. Maybe I amnot the person I thought I was, Maybe I don't really want what I thought. Have I worked so hard to attain something that makes me un-happy? Or are my feelings well-founded? I am waaaay to rational a person to ask myself these questions. I know exactly how to remove myself from the equation and make the "Right" decision. But I don't know how to add myself into it. i feel so selfish considering my own needs or desires when making a decision that affects other people. I am so tired of living for other people. When is it my turn to make decisions based on what I want and need? When is it my turn for someone else to change for me? Why is it always me who has to switch positions or give something up?

Now i am just whining. I hate to hear myself do that. Enough of the therapy session. Back to reflecting.

I am posting a few photos of the friends I have made in the last year. I am still amazed to find people who truly want to hang out with me for no reason than to be my friend. I don't trust anyone, but I'm learning that it can be more beneficial to allow people in and feel their warmth than to shut them out and never know if they are sincere. I can take a risk that they will hurt me in some way. I think I will learn about myself better this way. 30 years old and I have no idea what I want or where I am going. But i have a great job at this time and so I will follow this path and see what happens. Leave it to fate. I just hope I am strong enough to survive what may come of it.