At the edge of a cornfield, yet not far from the outcrop of suburbian concrete, a young girl stood in silent reflection. The mirror stood as the singular entity to recognize her soul. Young and starry-eyed, she gazed and admitted innocence and fear only to herself in the darkest of hours. She believed that all people were good at the core and that she could judge for herself who to trust and of whom to be weary. There was no grey, only black & white, right and wrong. "What are my limits? What can I do? Who will hear me? How long must I wait?" The innermost emotions lie just beneath the surface of the haze on the glass. Alone in the moment, she wiped the glass clean. A whispering breeze licked the stalks of corn, swept the laundry on the line and caught a whisp of her golden hair as it stole into her bedroom window. The aroma of late summer teased her senses. Closing her eyes, she could feel the energy rising as she opened starred once again back into her own eyes.
Awakening, her waiting had come to an end. Those who had once swatted as if in response to a nuisance insect, began to notice her standing in the darkened shadows of the back of the room. It had happened that her essence had extended to the exterior. The pout in her gaze and joy in her eyes had transformed and now reflected in the mirror as ever dangerous curiosity. The form of a woman, the experience of media beyond her years. Attention was easy, the energy overwhelming and the thrill infectious. A smirking grin at a precise moment. An intellectual dicussion laced with tempt. A stroll through the commons in the perfect pair of jeans. The world was her toy, and control was her dagger. Normalcy had become something for the weak. She learned to disconnect and function on a purely animalistic level. Emotions became a weakness, an invitation for pain. Seemingly in an instant, the girl was outwardly grown. Her trusted companion was left in the wind swept cornfields of her innocence.
Control of herself, control of others. She thought to herself, "Can I manintain control of others on a subliminal level? Is my one greatness my knowledge of how to get what I want? How far can I take this?" The grey area had entered her realm. "There is something intangibly different about me. I am not like everyone else in the world. Are there others that see human reaction and programmed responses? Is there a real companion for my soul?" Resigning to enjoy chemical release, the tests would continue in search of a spark of recognition. Now seeking the same distant reflection in the eyes of another. Silent realization crept in. The only restraint between her and truth was her own fear. Without fear, true lessons can be felt. Testing and reacting. Relating and conversing. Showing no fear and pushing the limits of accepability. Ask the same question twice. But the second time stand closer and gaze into their eyes. The answer invariably different. Predatory. Becoming the object of question, answered the question. Clarity is not the understanding of how the game is played, rather, why it is instinct to play. Standing at the edge of sanity, knowing evil and now experienced enough to house fear. Almost a woman, still a child.
Gazing this time into the stained mirror in the ladies room of a nameless bar in a nameless town. A breeze whirred to life from a rusted exhaust fan and caught her now brittle hair. The aroma of disenfectant and insect repellant rose through the tile, slithered around the darkened porcelain and assaulted her wondering eyes. The blood shot eyes of a woman on a mission searched for the peace that had once lived in the glass. Regret and self-loathing had long since entangled her silken reflection.
A little wiser, a little more weary, and outwardly mature beyond her years. "Now which way to go? Pursue an intellectual understanding, or a spiritual explanation?" Walking through fire and living to tell the tale of a young girl impatient and fearless looking for a truth that no one has.
Now just 17, she had become a woman.
No comments:
Post a Comment